A strong sense of confidence and order are the usual hallmarks of the demonstration videos shown in clinical workshops or the cases described in books extolling the effectiveness of a particular therapeutic approach. Indeed, hammered into our training is the expectation that if we embrace the theory underlying certain models and learn how to perform the accompanying therapeutic moves, then big changes will reliably take place. Depressed clients will shake off their despair, anxious folks will become calm and centered, couples in perpetual conflict will find a path to peace and harmony.
Okay, so maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Still, the self-assurance of the expert practitioners who publicly present their work can lead everyday therapists to believe that psychotherapy is a far more predictable craft than it actually is. Just apply technique X to problem Y and positive outcomes will dependably ensue. The reality, of course, is much muddier. Therapists on the ground regularly experience setbacks and discouragement and, if they’re honest with themselves, eventually learn that only one mantra applies to every case—it’s more complicated than that.
The first-person accounts below, originally composed for a storytelling event at this year’s Networker Symposium, invite us into some moments of clinicians confronting the limits of their knowledge and effectiveness, moments in which they have to step out from behind their mask of unruffled confidence. What’s striking is that all these storytellers are experts in their particular therapeutic fields. But in the privacy of their own offices, they struggle with as much uncertainty, frustration, and lack of control as the rest of us. Often as they try harder, they only flail—and fail—more.
So what does work? In the end, it’s the willingness of these clinicians to embrace their own vulnerability and take the ultimate risk of being real with the client without knowing what the next step might be. What these storytellers have in common is the readiness to hang out on a limb with a client, even dangling there for a bit, until they get a hunch about what that person needs. In the process, they may look a bit foolish in front of their client. They don’t care—or they do care, but they persevere.
To be sure, a therapist’s skill base and experience are vital to good therapy. So are warmth and compassion. But they’re rarely enough. These stories attest to the need to bring vulnerability and some measure of risk into the treatment room, letting go of any secret ambition to become a Master of the Therapeutic Universe, always ready with a powerful intervention. There’s no such person.
The path to expanding our effectiveness begins with staying open to the uncertainties of the moment and mustering the courage to admit to ourselves when we’re truly stuck and at a loss. It’s only then, when we realize that our old maps are inadequate to the clinical task at hand, that we can begin the endlessly fascinating voyage of discovery that begins with the seemingly simple question—now what?
—Marian Sandmaier
I’m Funny and I Faint
Lynn Lyons shares how vulnerability and genuine connection helped an anxious teen overcome social anxiety and reclaim his life.
Thinking Outside the Gift
Lisa Ferentz uses creative therapeutic intervention to turn a client’s expensive gift into a powerful lesson in self-worth and compassion.
The Final Shot
Kenneth V. Hardy uses basketball to connect with detained youth, transforming resistance into teamwork and discovering life-changing purpose.
First Make the Bed
Michele Weiner-Davis’s personal journey through depression reveals how love, hope, and human connection can be powerful medicine for healing.
It’s Never Too Late
Dan Siegel tells the story of his 92-year-old client’s journey to discover and connect with his emotions for the first time through therapy.
Illustration © Lighthouse Studio/IllustrationSource.com
Marian Sandmaier
Marian Sandmaier is the author of two nonfiction books, Original Kin: The Search for Connection Among Adult Sisters and Brothers (Dutton-Penguin) and The Invisible Alcoholics: Women and Alcohol Abuse in America (McGraw-Hill). She is Features Editor at Psychotherapy Networker and has written for the New York Times Book Review, the Washington Post, and other publications. Sandmaier has discussed her work on the Oprah Winfrey Show, the Today Show, and NPR’s “All Things Considered” and “Fresh Air.” On several occasions, she has received recognition from the American Society of Journalists and Authors for magazine articles on psychology and behavior. Most recently, she won the ASJA first-person essay award for her article “Hanging Out with Dick Van Dyke” on her inconvenient attack of shyness while interviewing. You can learn more about her work at www.mariansandmaier.net.
Dan Siegel
Dan Siegel, MD, is the founder and director of education of the Mindsight Institute and founding codirector of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA, where he was also coprincipal Investigator of the Center for Culture, Brain and Development and clinical professor of psychiatry at the School of Medicine. An award-winning educator, he’s the author of five New York Times bestsellers and over 15 other books, which have been translated into over 40 languages. As the founding editor of the Norton Professional Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB), he’s overseen the publication of over 100 books in the transdisciplinary IPNB framework, which focuses on the mind and mental health. A graduate of Harvard Medical School, Dan completed his postgraduate training at UCLA specializing in pediatrics, and adult, adolescent, and child psychiatry. He was trained in attachment research and narrative analysis through a National Institute of Mental Health research training fellowship focusing on how relationships shape our autobiographical ways of making sense of our lives and influence our development across the lifespan.
Kenneth V. Hardy
Kenneth V. Hardy, PhD, is President of the Eikenberg Academy for Social Justice and Clinical and Organizational Consultant for the Eikenberg Institute for Relationships in NYC, as well as a former Professor of Family Therapy at both Syracuse University, NY, and Drexel University, PA. He’s also the author of Racial Trauma: Clinical Strategies and Techniques for Healing Invisible Wounds, and The Enduring, Invisible, and Ubiquitous Centrality of Whiteness, and editor of On Becoming a Racially Sensitive Therapist: Race and Clinical Practice.
Lisa Ferentz
Lisa Ferentz, LCSW-C, DAPA, is a recognized expert in the strengths-based, de-pathologized treatment of trauma and has been in private practice for more than 35 years. She presents workshops and keynote addresses nationally and internationally, and is a clinical consultant to practitioners and mental health agencies in the United States, Canada, the UK and Ireland. In 2009 she was voted the “Social Worker of Year” by the Maryland Society for Clinical Social Work. Lisa is the author of Treating Self-Destructive Behaviors in Trauma Survivors: A Clinician’s Guide, 2nd Edition, Letting Go of Self-Destructive Behaviors: A Workbook of Hope and Healing, and Finding Your Ruby Slippers: Transformative Life Lessons From the Therapist’s Couch.
Lynn Lyons
Lynn Lyons, LICSW, is a speaker, trainer, and practicing clinician specializing in the treatment of anxious families. She’s the coauthor of Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents and is the cohost of the podcast Flusterclux. Her latest book for adults is The Anxiety Audit.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, director of the Divorce Busting Center, is the author of the bestsellers The Sex-Starved Marriage and Divorce Busting.
