I have a friend whose smile is luminous. She’s warm-hearted, well-traveled, whip-smart, and has been known to laugh so hard at silly jokes she pees a little. I love her. And subtly, over the course of several years, I watched her exuberant, unguarded sense of self evaporate in an intimate relationship I grossly oversimplified as “unhealthy.” I wasn’t wrong—by any measure, the relationship was unhealthy—but there was so much more about her experience I didn’t understand until working on this magazine issue.
Narcissistic abuse and coercive control, two separate but often intertwined forms of intimate partner violence, are quickly becoming buzzwords on social media—at least in certain corners of it, where survivors like my friend are speaking out not only about the gaslighting, manipulation, belittlement, and isolation they experienced, but about what they encountered in therapy when they sought help.
In giving voice to their stories, this issue explores what therapists tend to miss, mislabel, or avoid when it comes to emotional abuse, and how we can shift certain therapeutic norms and assumptions so survivors get the clarity they need to heal.
The insights offered here come from our field’s leading experts on treating narcissistic abuse and coercive control: Ramani Durvasula, Christine Cocchiola, Wendy Behary, Catherine Barrett, and many others. I hope the information they share—some of it very personal—will shatter the common misconception that only weak, overly dependent people can be victims and only brazen, obliviously narcissistic jerks can be perpetrators. And I hope it will empower more therapists to help survivors—of all genders, races, and sexual orientations—reclaim their sense of wholeness and well-being, with the understanding that creating safety is far more complicated than just leaving an emotionally abusive relationship.
The reality is that some of our clients can’t leave because of children, finances, or religious and cultural considerations. Some will leave and have to navigate the trauma of family court—your session notes matter in these cases, by the way. Some will seek help from law enforcement and family members, only to have their experiences dismissed by people who haven’t been trained to see beyond the violent-incident model of abuse. Some will even invalidate their own experiences because of this. Yes, these clients face a long, hard road to healing—and we can make a difference, not only in the therapy room, but in the wider culture. With steadiness and determination, perhaps we can even heal the vulnerable parts of perpetrators, too.
This issue is dedicated to my friend—and to everyone who’s endured abuse in silence and shame when they needed knowledgeable, compassionate guidance.
Livia Kent
Livia Kent, MFA, is the editor in chief of Psychotherapy Networker. She worked for 10 years with Rich Simon as managing editor of Psychotherapy Networker, and has collaborated with some of the most influential names in the mental health field on stories that have become widely read articles and bestselling books. She taught writing at American University as well as for various programs around the country. As a bibliotherapist, she’s facilitated therapy groups in Washington, DC-area schools and in the DC prison system. In 2020, she was named one of Folio Magazine’s Top Women in Media “Change-Makers.” She’s the recipient of Roux Magazine‘s Editor’s Choice Award, The Ledge Magazine‘s National Fiction Award, and American University’s Myra Sklarew Award for Original Novel.
