What is Relational Restlessness?

Have you ever sat with a couple who, by every clinical measure, presents as secure and stable, but one or both partners report dissatisfaction or a lack of connection in the relationship? During their first therapy session you hear stories of increased conflict and trouble communicating—pretty standard initial complaints. But later, one partner reveals a deeper concern: “I’m not sure I’m in love anymore” or “The spark is gone, and we can’t get it back.”

What you likely won’t hear couples saying when they enter your office is, “I’m experiencing relational restlessness.” This is because couples don’t always understand where their complaints are stemming from—they think the problem is feeling disconnected, unseen by their partner, or bored, and maybe also a bit guilty about their lack of enthusiasm. Yet, after working with hundreds of couples as a relationship therapist, I’ve come to recognize a little-known contributor to relational dissatisfaction that I call “relational restlessness.” I define this particular kind of ennui as a vague but persistent longing for something more—a feeling that the relationship, while functional, isn’t fueling a partner’s deeper sense of aliveness and vitality.

“More” Culture

How does relational restlessness develop? It begins with our social conditioning. We learn to romanticize love from a very early age. Movies, television, and books elevate narratives portraying love as a consistent emotional high, a magnetic force between two people that imbues their every interaction with desire and devotion. This depiction glosses over a truth that many couples in long-term relationships know well: the thrill of constant surprises and unpredictability can’t coexist with the consistency and certainty of long-term commitment.

The more habituated or secure a couple feels, the more likely it is that restlessness will arise, especially for individuals whose personalities are more novelty-seeking by nature. No matter how heady the emotions may be at the outset of a relationship, the longer it lasts, the more those emotions will settle and stabilize. As they do, partners start noticing the less sexy factors that accompany sharing life with someone—the dirty dishes left in the sink, the overcrowded bathroom counter, the simple and blatantly obvious task that a partner somehow always forgets to accomplish, like lowering a toilet seat or remembering to pack school snacks.

One or both partners may begin to wonder about what life might look like with a different person (one who is free of all the less-desirable quirks and failings of their significant other) and imagine the grass is greener elsewhere. All their doubts are then fueled by online scrolling sessions that make it seem as if everyone’s relationships are more exciting or satisfying than theirs. Restlessness can lead people to compare their relationship to others and fantasize about alternate partners or lifestyles, imagining they’d be happier “if only…”

What can make restlessness particularly difficult for couples therapists to treat is that our clients, like us, are exposed to a cultural narrative that frames relationships, like everything else, as something to be optimized. Just scroll through any wellness feed and you’ll see a steady stream of posts promising a more vibrant, fulfilling, optimized life. And who wouldn’t want a healthier body, a better diet, a more satisfying job? But “optimizing” our romantic relationships can backfire—especially when our expectations are based on impossible, unrealistic, standards.

While restlessness is a natural byproduct of a long-term relationship, it doesn’t mean it should be ignored. Acknowledging it is a powerful way to assess what is and isn’t working between partners. Often, it raises questions that have gone unspoken for too long. Are partners values misaligned? Have they grown apart or lost some of the sweetness of their previous closeness and intimacy? Is there an unrealized dream or desire that one or both partners feel shy about expressing and pursuing?

In the therapy room, this might look one person saying, “I’m just so bored. I have nothing to say to my partner. We’re not interested in the same things.” They may feel under-stimulated and unmotivated to engage in activities together or pick fights to regain some sense of aliveness. Resentment may surface if the person who values adventure feels increasingly constrained by their more routine-oriented partner. They might wonder if leaving the relationship is the only way to reclaim their true selves.

When Buried Dreams Cause Relational Strain

When my clients, Kira and John, showed up in my office, they said they were at a crossroads in their relationship. John reported feeling like Kira was pulling away from him, and all his efforts to reconnect were falling flat. In an early individual session with Kira, I learned that her lifelong wanderlust was coming into increasing conflict with her roles as a wife and mother. The more responsibilities accrued for her at home, the more her longing for adventure increased. Meanwhile, her husband John, a perennial homebody, was becoming increasingly resistant to enduring the stress and expense of traveling with a baby. The situation came to a head when they both agreed that it was time to look for a home with more space. John was set on moving to the suburbs, while for Kira, the very word “suburb” registered as a kind of death sentence. Kira didn’t want to leave John, but she noticed resentment building and wondered if it was possible to have the life she truly wanted and remain together. Her doubt was turning into relational ambivalence and their connection was suffering.

When two people enter a relationship, they each bring personal goals and dreams for their future. These aspirations, often deeply rooted, stem from long-held individual values and from each person’s sense of purpose. That part of them doesn’t disappear simply because they’ve chosen to move forward in a twosome. Yet, their individual hopes can sometimes retreat to the background in favor of relationship or family goals and as they make compromises that take their partner’s preferences, hopes, and needs into account.

Personal values are sometimes hard to spot, so we may minimize a desire for travel or a penchant for DIY furniture building as admirable hobbies. But beneath those “hobbies” is usually a hidden value—freedom, presence, openness, competence, creativity, caretaking. So, when another dismisses them as a personality quirk, it’s easy to feel unseen or invisible.

Therapy might put a band-aid on a couples disconnection by encouraging more time together or increased intimacy, but if we don’t dig deeper to address the underlying forces at play, this misalignment will rear its head over and over again. So, as part of the therapeutic process, we can assess for restlessness and unspoken or unexplored individual values that may be interfering with relational satisfaction and closeness. When it feels safe, we can help partners explore their own and one another’s individual dreams, and explore new, creative ways to fulfill them.

Expressing Longings

In my work with Kira and John, I encouraged Kira to express her longings. Perhaps John didn’t realize how important it was for her to see new places—to her sense of freedom and autonomy. Was there a way they could honor both of their desires? Kira was hesitant to share, at first, but gradually, she began to explain to John that the desire to see new places wasn’t just a hobby for her. It was part of her identity. Being a homebody, going months without exploring new places, left her feeling like she was disappearing. Traveling was a part of who she was and it felt like she wasn’t honoring it.

As John heard this, he softened. He hadn’t understood the depth of meaning it held for her. Until now, he was searching for what he was doing wrong, instead of seeing how she was feeling unseen or unexpressed. This awareness removed his defensiveness and increased his desire to show up for her with compassion. As they explored this difference between them, Kira realized she didn’t need or even want to travel all over the world right now, in this phase of her life. What she wanted was more novelty, more opportunities to experience things that gave her a feeling of aliveness. In our work, I helped them explore different ways they might be able to bring more adventure into their lives. They came up with ideas for day trips and explorations that felt manageable, but they also dreamed together about trips they could take in the future, when their baby’s feeding and sleep schedule was a little more predictable. John encouraged Kira to plan solo adventures and ones with her friends. The most significant compromise, and the hardest for them to land on, was their decision to continue living in the city for as long as they could afford it. This way, when Kira felt stifled, she still had access to novel activities and all kinds of different forms of stimulation.

Compassion for One Another’s Dreams

On the flip side of opposing values are the ways in which partners’ differences are often complementary. Kira loves John’s stability because it gives her a grounding force from which she feels safe to explore her openness. Similarly, John appreciates Kira’s growth mindset because it inspires him to learn and remain open to new things. The fact is, when it comes to couples and their values and preferences, two things can be true at the same time. The same values you love and admire in your partner, the ones that make them uniquely them, may also be the ones you butt up against because they differ so dramatically from yours. As therapists, when we help couples explore why their different values, hobbies, and preferences are so important to them, it won’t remove the frustration they feel about their differences, but it can support a new level of compassion for one another’s dreams. In my work with couples, I foster this compassion with an exercise I call “Uncovering the Dream Beneath the Restlessness.” 

Step 1: Individual Reflection. Start with time for solo reflection outside of therapy or in individual sessions. Include these questions: When I feel restless in my relationship, what do I imagine I’m missing? If there were no limits of time, money, or responsibilities, what would I let myself long for and pursue? What goals do I have for my life that I still hope to fulfill (even if they currently feel impossible)?

Step 2: Share Without Feedback. Encourage your clients to review their notes and prepare the points they want to raise with their partner. Next, have them take turns sharing their reflections without interrupting one another. Encourage them to use supportive and affirming body language, such as nodding their heads, and to practice reflective listening, beginning their reflections with phrases like, “I hear that . . .”).

Step 3: Identify the Dream. Facilitate a conversation about the deeper dreams or values, like freedom, adventure, security, creativity, and closeness, that underlie feelings of restlessness. Have them identify where their dreams overlap and where they differ.

Step 4: Choose One Small Step. Encourage the couple to identify one small action they can take to honor one another’s dreams. Examples might be planning an outdoor adventure, starting a “try new things” bank account, or making time for one person to take a class or travel solo. Have each partner ask: “How can I support this dream with you?”

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Of course, John and Kira’s story didn’t end with the discovery of Kira’s relational restlessness—no couples’ story does. Friction caused by differences in their values and the things she and John enjoy and prioritize will surface repeatedly in their relationship, sometimes as disagreements around planning, feeling like they’re living parallel lives, and resentment towards one another when one of them compromises their values or desires, however temporarily. Kira may struggle with her loss of autonomy as a mother or in other areas of her life. John may feel pressure to be someone he’s not or else risk being labeled boring or predictable. However, the awareness and tools they learned in therapy open the door for honest communication when they hit these inevitable speed bumps and potholes in their relationship journey. If they continue to share their longings and dreams regularly, it will keep them in touch with their own and one another’s deepest ideals so that they can create a more values-aligned future together.