6 Truths of Couples Therapy

When I was in seventh grade, my parents sat me and my brothers down and told us they were separating and my father was moving out. The news didn’t shock my brothers—they’d already figured it out. But I hadn’t seen it coming. I’d always thought my family was like the show, Growing Pains – a family that always worked out their problems with a happy ending.

My interest in working with couples probably dates back to having missed the signs that my parents’ marriage was ending. During my graduate school internship, when  a supervisor asked if I was interested in seeing couples,  I said yes, though I had absolutely no idea what to do with them. But I sought to learn everything I could about couples counseling and was motivated to “figure couples out.”

Twenty-five years later, I still haven’t cracked the code, because there is no code.  Each couple is unique, and so is their dynamic.  It doesn’t matter how many books I’ve written on relationships or how many trainings I’ve done for couples therapists—working with couples will always remain a challenge.

After all, how can I be an expert on someone else’s experience? Instead, I see myself as a collaborator and narrator of each person’s experience in the relationship. Sometimes, when partners struggle to understand one another, I help translate their messages and meanings to one another in ways the other partner can understand.

Couples counseling involves working on a fault line and trying to stay steady while the ground under your feet keeps shifting. I balance each person’s perspectives and provide a holding place for their pain, resentment, anger, and disappointment. I also support healing and sometimes help partners understand that healing isn’t always possible.

Here are six powerful truths I’ve learned through this work:

I can’t want a couples’ relationship to work more than they do. Accepting this truth allows me to sit with a couples’ anger, pain, grief, and disappointment without “fixing it.”  I help couples emotionally regulate and understand one another, but I don’t work harder than they do.  When things aren’t progressing, I ask partners if they feel stuck in our work like they feel stuck in their relationship. Stuckness is often a part of the therapeutic process.  We collaborate on getting unstuck, but I refrain from offering immediate solutions. After couples counseling ends, couples need to be able to “unstick” themselves.

Some relationships aren’t meant to last. Most couples therapists believe that couples counseling should help all couples heal, but I believe there are some things partners can’t and shouldn’t try to heal from together. When I witness an abusive dynamic that make a healthy relationship impossible, I explore this truth with them. I try not to make the judgment that they should break up, but I will look at their relational data with them, so they can see it clearly. This is often painful work, because the end of a relationship often represents the dissolution of a family and future dreams. Ultimately, love does not always prevail.

Progress is rarely linear. Because two people are in the room, couples therapists are always working with two sets of needs, two histories, and often opposing desires at once. We all bring childhood pain, hopes, fears, relational schemas, and needs into relationships in ways we’re not aware of. The patterns we learned in our family of origin show up again and again in our romantic relationships. Inevitably, couples trigger one another.

It’s easier to suspend judgement when you stay curious.  When a couple’s pattern frustrates me, I’ve learned to approach what’s happening with an open mind, asking myself, “What’s being protected?” That shift keeps me from reaching a premature verdict or growing judgmental. It also models for the couple that it’s possible to explore something painful without resorting to blame. Partners who can do the same for each other are more likely to stay emotionally engaged, even amid their struggles.

It’s not always easy to see things clearly. Couples present with so much relational data that it’s impossible for a therapist to take it all in, which is why it’s so important to consult with colleagues about your couples. In the Netflix series Couples Therapy, Orna Guralnik seeks consultation and support for the couples she sees. Other professionals’ perspectives on your work can challenge you to see a couple differently and reinvigorate you.

You can all struggle together. Every couples session I participate in, still surprises me. Within a single hour, I might feel frustrated, helpless, effective, hopeful, touched, and everything in between. I’ve learned to use my own reactions as information I can bring into the room to support couples. This allows me to remain emotionally connected to them. Although we’re focused on their relationship, I’m living some aspects of their relationship with them. I’m a cheerleader, challenger, teacher, supporter, coach, therapist, and fellow-relationship traveler. My own relationship successes and failures inform my engagement with couples. I see myself as a fellow relationship struggler.

The final and most powerful truth my couples have taught me is that love and connection are powerful human motivators, and the fight to remain close to a partner is fundamental. Although relationship struggles are universal, the ways couples work through them are as unique as they are.