“I Just Want Your Advice!”

If there’s ever been a professional stance that we thought most therapists shared, it’s that therapy is not about giving advice. And yet, how many times have you heard clients beg for just that? We asked 4 top therapists what they do when clients say, “Just tell me what to do!” Some of their answers might surprise you.

A Little Push

When I was younger and clients asked me for advice, I used to see it as a good sign that they were ready to lower their defenses and take positive action in their lives—but that usually wasn’t the case. Now, when a client asks me to tell them what to do in a certain situation, I see it as an attempt to escape from the hard work of self-reflection. It’s them seeking positive outcomes without taking any emotional risk, claiming their own desires, or putting in sustained effort.

So my reply is this: “You’re asking what I think you should about that, and that’s a really good question. But first I’d like us to discuss why that question really matters to you. Knowing the why will have an important effect on your behavior and feelings and how enthusiastically you take any action or advice I give.”

Sometimes I share this incisive James Baldwin quote with them: “Nothing is more desirable than to be released of an affliction, but nothing is more frightening than to be divested of a crutch.”

It’s normal to seek advice so we can be released from pain, stress, insecurity, or frustration. And it’s also normal to want to avoid confronting our own limitations. But most of the time, change requires both emotional risk and moving beyond the use of a favorite coping mechanism that’s actually inhibiting us from pursuing our dreams.

When we finally do make the judgment that some things are more important than our fear, insecurity, resentment or bad habits, we’re more ready to accept and apply advice. Until then, much of the work of therapy is strengthening our readiness to act and accepting the unavoidable risks that will accompany action.

Of course, it’s tempting to skip over this work and just give out advice. After all, clients are eager for relief and clinicians are eager to deliver it. But shaky motivation is a weak foundation—and it’s impossible to build on it.

Ellyn Bader, PhD
Menlo Park, CA

Walking Side by Side

From an ethical perspective, we’ve all been advised against offering advice about big decisions like whether or not a client should get married, end a relationship, leave a job, or adjust their values or religious or political choices. In fact, the codes of ethics from major national professional associations emphasize a client’s right to self-determination. One of the American Counseling Association’s fundamental principles of professional ethical behavior is autonomy, which translates into “fostering the right to control the direction of one’s life.” The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists is even more specific: “Marriage and family therapists respect the rights of clients to make decisions,” and “clients have the responsibility to make decisions regarding relationships such as cohabitation, marriage, divorce. . . .”

Each of these codes of ethics also cautions therapists about the power differential that exists between them and clients, and its potential to result in undue influence on their part. In short, we therapists must not be inappropriately directive.

I once heard a skeptical non-therapist ask a room of practitioners, “If you don’t give clients advice, then what exactly do you do?” My answer is this: the therapist’s job is akin to walking side-by-side with someone into a darkened room. It’s not our role to tell the client what they should do in the room, but we can be the guide who’s experienced with the characteristics of dark rooms and knows how to use a flashlight to illuminate those characteristics, thereby helping clients make informed decisions about navigating them.

Terry Casey, PhD
Franklin, TN

An Emergency Life Preserver

In my experience, the old canard that therapists should never give advice isn’t current with the reality of modern methods of psychotherapy. In fact, I think we can move on from old ideas of what constitutes advice. After all, if I was trying to rescue a drowning man, I wouldn’t ask him about his feelings as he flailed in the water, or wonder with him if he’d found himself in this situation before, and what that might mean.

Some of our clients come in drowning and need help straight away. As a clinician who’s also a certified coach, I believe that advice includes more than opinion: it can also be a form of guidance, direction, problem-solving, partnering, pointed questions and even brainstorming. Of course, a steady diet of advice isn’t beneficial or therapeutic for anyone, but for a client in crisis, your advice can be a lifesaver.

Take Sara, my therapy client, who was a single parent of two young children. Her husband of 10 years had moved out of state to be with a younger woman, and he’d cleaned out their joint savings account in the process. Sara felt bitter and overwhelmed, but after two years of our working together, she’d started to confront an old belief that she was a victim to see herself as a survivor who was tough and capable of being present for her children.

Then, one day, Sara came in angry and in tears. “I got the news that the promotion I was expecting was given to someone else,” she said, “a younger woman who my boss thinks has more potential for the firm. I can’t believe I was passed over, especially given how hard I’ve worked hard for this. We’re scheduled to meet tomorrow, and I’m ready to quit. How dare he do this to me?! Do you agree I should quit?”

I couldn’t help but be struck by the reenactment of trauma that she must’ve been experiencing. We touched on the hurt and anger she was feeling. But I knew that Sara liked her job, and it allowed her flexibility with childcare, something hard to find in her field. Quitting would disrupt all the stability that she’d built in the two years since her husband had left.

I tried to buy her some time. “Can you wait and think this through? You’re obviously upset, and that’s not usually a good time to decide something so important.”

“The meeting is set for tomorrow. But I’m not going to be a victim anymore. I need you to tell me straight, do you agree I should quit?”

With a deep breath, I opted to give her an honest answer and some direct advice. “No. I think quitting right now, in anger and without another job to go to, would be a mistake. Especially since there’s another, different tack you could take with your boss, one that could help you in the long run.”

She paused for a long time and I waited through the silence. Then she said, “I could talk about my options with him.”

This set the stage for more advice, in the form of direct questions, from me: Could she find a productive way of moving forward? Were there new goals to set at work? She thought about what she needed, inside herself, to be ready for her meeting the next day. As we ended the session, I emphasized her ability to overcome obstacles and see this as one in a series of struggles that she could withstand. “I’m going to hold onto that in my meeting tomorrow,” she said, “and think of myself as the kind of tree that can weather many storms.”

Lynn Grodzki, LCSW, MCC
Silver Spring, MD

Navigating the Maze

When clients ask me for advice, responding can feel like pretending to be blind in a maze that I actually know quite well.

My client Sarah, like many young adults engaged in the stressful world of dating, got a lot of cheap advice from TikTok. She was facing some challenges in her relationship and the online influencers she followed convinced her it was time to end it. But I understood the history and nuance of this relationship, and that the challenges she was facing were typical of the stage it was in. I also understood that downloading my years of experience and evidenced-based examples to convince her of this would just overwhelm her.

Instead, I focused on empowering her to attune to her internal reactions to the situation. We developed a pros and cons list for staying together, breaking up, or taking some time apart, and rehearsed how to approach and navigate each.

Although it would’ve been easy to give Sarah my own 30-second TikTok reel about what she should do, helping her process her choices on her own strengthened her sense of agency for making future choices.

Edvardo Archer, LMFT
Fort Lauderdale, FL