Not long ago, my heart leapt the moment I saw the email in my inbox from my talent agent. “Please be a TV show, please be a TV show,” I whispered to myself as I clicked. It was! A network was looking for a therapist … yes … for a new television series … yes … on a major network … yes … about nude psychotherapy … no.
I’ve been building my brand as a public-facing relationship educator and clinician for many years, and I’ve had to learn how to practice discernment regarding partnerships. At the start of this journey, I was so grateful for any opportunity to get my name out there that I said yes to everything.
“Want to be a guest on my podcast?” Absolutely!
“Can you write a 500-word article for my website?” Of course!
“Can you come speak to my group of 30 people? We don’t have the budget for compensation, but it’ll be great exposure.” I’ll be there!
As my platform grew, so did the number of inquiries I received. Soon, I was feeling overscheduled and on the road to burnout. I quickly realized that my inclination to say yes to everything was going to lead me to a point where I’d have to say no to everything.
To prevent this from happening, I use a simple formula to rein myself in. I like to visualize the formula as a triangle with a question in each corner. Corner 1: Is it financially lucrative? Corner 2: Does it expand my audience? Corner 3: Is it an inherently fun, rewarding, and/or meaningful experience? To qualify as a potential yes, it needs to hit two of the three corners.
You should know that I have a love-hate relationship with this formula. Just like a budget keeps you from buying everything that looks cute at Nordstrom, and just like a portion keeps you from eating a full sleeve of Thin Mint cookies, this formula keeps me from straining my neck from nodding yes too much. This formula is both good for me … and a total buzzkill.
The nude psychotherapy show was a clear no, but another opportunity I recently had easily hit all three corners: creating a new series for MasterClass, called MasterClass In Practice. My yes wasn’t just about their enormous audience (4.2 million on Instagram?!) or the fact that I’d be one step closer to meeting my icon, Gloria Steinem. It was also about an opportunity to do what I’m passionate about—teach people how to practice Relational Self-Awareness—on a scale I can’t possibly reach on my own. Being part of the MasterClass faculty is a BHAG (Big Hairy Audacious Goal) for sure, a peak experience built atop thousands of my Instagram posts, blogs, talks, books, and podcast and media interviews.
Had I not implemented this formula years prior, I wouldn’t have had the bandwidth to say yes to this incredible opportunity. I wouldn’t have had the time or the mental energy to put together a quality curriculum. Saying yes to too many okay things would’ve forced me to say no to the really big, incredible thing. As I continue to grow as a public-facing clinician and thought leader, the triangle formula ensures that I keep moving forward and let go of things that no longer serve me.
Still, it’s never a perfect journey. Each next step is a risk. You may say no to something that takes off, leaving you feeling like you missed the boat (been there!), and you may say yes to something that ends up being largely a dead-end. What I try to come back to again and again is that each risk is a learning experience that teaches me and readies me for what’s next. Regardless of what happens, I feel sure I won’t regret saying no to nude therapy.
Alexandra Solomon
Alexandra H. Solomon, PhD, is internationally recognized as one of today’s most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her framework of Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the globe. A couples therapist, speaker, author, professor, podcast host, retreat leader, and media personality, Dr. Solomon is passionate about translating cutting-edge research and clinical wisdom into practical tools people can use to bring awareness, curiosity, and authenticity to their relationships. She is a clinician educator and a frequent contributor to academic journals and research, and she translates her academic and therapeutic experience to the public through her popular and vibrant Instagram page, which has garnered over 200K followers. She is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University and is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Her hit podcast, Reimagining Love, has reached listeners across the globe and features high-profile guests from the worlds of therapy, academia, and pop culture. Her latest bestselling book is Love Every Day. You can visit her online at DrAlexandraSolomon.com and on Instagram at @dr.alexandra.solomon.
