Disabling Toxic Verbiage

Four Ways to Push Pause on a Verbal Bully

Kate Cohen-Posey

As a culture, we seem ready to take on the problem of children being bullied, but all of us get bullied at times. That said, we need to understand the distinction between bullying verbiage and a physical assault that requires legal action. Verbal bullying involves one person trying to establish dominance over another with hostile words and repetition. It can happen between strangers or spouses or siblings or friends, in families or workplaces or grocery-store parking lots. The permutations are endless, as are the psychological effects.

The advice most commonly given to children who experience this kind of bullying on the playground is “just ignore it.” But this doesn’t usually work. Why? Bullies are pursuers. When verbal attacks are met with silence, aggressors will pursue harder to get a reaction, and a pursuing–distancing dance ensues.

In contrast to what we tell children, most adults are encouraged to assert themselves when they’re mistreated. On a social-justice level, this is incredibly important. But in the moment, between individuals, it doesn’t always work. Helen, for example, spent weeks in therapy learning how to deliver the perfect “I” message when her husband made demeaning comments. The night before her next session, she mustered her courage and told him, “I feel heartbroken when you say I never get anything right.” His shocking reply, “I don’t care how you feel,” only revealed the depths of the chasm she’d been trying to navigate.

So if neither overlooking hurtful remarks nor expressing feelings and desires does little to change a bullying dynamic, what are our clients to do?

Enter the Other Instinct

Fight and flight are well-known animal instincts, but a third survival strategy is highlighted by affective neuroscientist Jaak Panskepp: seeking. While all animals search for food and shelter, humans are also on the hunt for understanding and meaning. If we can tap into this instinct, we can change adrenaline-laced fight-or-flight reactions into dopamine-driven curiosity, which produces focused calm. How? In responding to verbal attempts to create a power imbalance, we need a language that unbalances and disarms, at least in the moment.

Going back to our example of young Helen, she might’ve responded to her husband’s hostile remark with a question: “When did you stop caring about my feelings?” This may seem like a strange strategy, but questions can be hypnotic, sending people on a focused inward search, one that slows mental processes.

She also might’ve mused, “You care about music, teaching, and politics. I wonder how I got left out of the mix.” This would’ve subtly affirmed her husband’s ability to care, even if he denied being concerned about her feelings. The point isn’t to magically elicit an empathic response from him; rather, these responses are conversation stoppers, in which the offended party has the last word. At the very least, they could help Helen create a bit of breathing room and feel more empowered while she wrestles with the likelihood that her marriage might not be salvageable.

But asking questions and affirming are only the first two verbal volleys. Adding active listening and hidden hints gives people an arsenal of responses that can begin to diminish the downward spiral of verbal bullying. These four responses are based on the works of Murry Bowen and Milton Erickson, and the philosophy of Taoism. Too bad Helen didn’t have them at the ready.

Flash Forward 30 Years...

Fortunately, Helen now has a sense of new alternatives. She’s switched careers from elementary education to psychotherapy. She’s happily remarried to another man, Troy—and she’s compiled some key verbal volleys to help her if ever someone makes her feel powerless again.

Given that it’s an election year, Helen asks Troy if he’d like to join her and a friend on a seven-hour road trip to meet their candidate of choice. Troy replies, “No! I’m not going, and neither are you!”

With a baffled expression, Helen simply says, “I’m not?” She walks to the computer room and makes motel reservations for her and her friend, returning to inform him of the arrangements for the following day.

Atypical of gentle Troy, he immediately counters, “Are you having a psychotic break?!”

Two thoughts cross Helen’s mind: At least he’s picked up some clinical terms in the 15 years we’ve been married and This is what Murry Bowen said would happen when one person in the family begins to individuate. She calmly responds, “It’s always possible that I’ve lost my mind, but that usually only happens when I’ve gone a few days without sleep. Thanks for being concerned.”

Hours pass. An agitated Troy takes another stab at thwarting Helen’s journey. “I’ll be very angry if you go,” he tells her.

Mustering her counseling repertoire, Helen responds, “Of course you’ll be angry; you worry about my driving. How sweet.”

As Helen, suitcase in hand, is taking her leave, Troy makes a last-ditch effort. “It’s just not right that you’re going!”

Turning to face him, Helen smiles, “Maybe it’s not right that I’m going, but you’ll be left with a big life insurance policy. If I die, you’ll be a wealthy man.” With that unexpected response, she shoots out the door to meet her friend.

Let’s pause for a moment to put Helen’s rejoinders under the microscope. We’ve already covered her first two. “I’m not?” is a question that doesn’t give Troy room to respond. “It’s always possible that I’ve lost my mind” affirms his attempt at diagnosis by agreeing with him in theory, possible being the operative word. Her follow-up, “but that usually only happens when I’ve gone a few days without sleep,” is tricky. Did you catch the power word in that phrase? But is well known by English majors and hypnotists to make everything that comes before it null and void. Helen finishes with an affirmation and a hint of empathy: “Thanks for being concerned.”

When Troy challenges her again, she validates his anger and reframes it as a more vulnerable emotion: “You worry about my driving.” Validating and naming hidden emotions are key components of active listening. (Helen is also a student of Milton Erickson.) When Troy expresses a moral imperative, “It’s not right that you’re going,” she paces her reply using his words, “maybe ‘it’s not right,’” and leads with an enticing tangent, “but you’ll be left with,” transporting Troy to an unexpected La La Land to ponder his financial upgrade.

Helen has used four simple strategies to handle her husband’s power plays:

  • Affirm: agree in fact or theory, admit, appreciate, and admire
  • Ask questions: genuine or hidden “I wonder” questions
  • Listen actively: echo, rephrase, empathize (name feelings and desires), validate (“It makes sense that you feel . . . because . . .”), and sympathize
  • Hints and humor: embedded suggestion, utilization, paired opposites, power words (try, but, dare), non sequiturs, and unexpected connections (humor)

These linguistic maneuvers may sound too advanced for your average client to come up with on the spot, so you can start people with some simple one-liners...

To read the full version of this article, click here.


Kate Cohen-Posey, LMHC, LMFT, offers neuroscience seminars nationwide. She’s the author of Making Hostile Words Harmless and How to Handle Bullies, Teasers and Other Meanies.

This blog is excerpted from "Disarming the Verbal Bully: Four Ways to Push Pause," by Kate-Cohen Posey. The full version is available in the March/April 2019 issue, The Missing Piece: Embracing a More Embodied Psychotherapy.

Illustration © iStock/alashi

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Topic: Anxiety/Depression | Couples

Tags: 2019 | Aggressiveness | arguing | bullying | communication shutdown | conflict | Conflict resolution | Couples & Family | couples choreography | couples conflict | couples therapy techniques | fight or flight | fighting | New Tools & Methods | shut down | shutdown | strategic therapy | strategies | strategy | therapy strategies | therapy tools | tools | violence

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1 Comment

Friday, May 17, 2019 10:39:43 AM | posted by Marta Edgar
I was very surprised to read the above examples of interactions as portraying healthy individuation or empowerment. They seem to involve contempt, cynicism, mocking, and disengagement - which predict deteriorating relationship, according to Gottman. These responses are not disarming; it looks like a power game with intent to win. That may be a good goal when trying to get rid of a nagging stranger, but it is unlikely to strengthen a close relationship. The husband did not start the conversation well, and neither the wife responded well. Was it her turn not to care about his feelings? I was hoping for an example of improvement in mutual closeness and understanding, not a score for one against the other.