They appeared to be in a real bind. Karla said that if she felt she wouldn't injure her husband's chances or her own and her kids' financial security, she would indeed leave him and pursue her own personal and professional growth. However, such a move would clearly jeopardize Jack's career. The solution she and her husband ultimately arrived at would most likely shock Dr. Laura. By the time therapy ended, Jack had acquired a lover and, after much calm negotiation, he and Karla agreed that they'd, in effect, carry on parallel lives: maintain outside lovers while staying in their primary relationship, if only for show.

Together, Karla and Jack made an informed, transparent decision to do what they thought would work best for them. True, their solution went against the current norm: if your marriage is irretrievable, leave it for a new romance and the new promise of "happily ever after," even if you must do it multiple times. Yet it could be argued that, in some ways, the approach they took was more adult, more orderly, and even more responsible to all parties concerned.

Monogamy for the Long Haul

If couples are becoming more flexible in the way they define monogamy, it could be partly because people live longer than in previous centuries and one spouse is far less likely to leave the other widowed after 5 or 10 years than used to be the case. Now couples are expected to stay sexually and emotionally connected to each other for 40, 50, even 60 years. There's no precedent in any culture for staying married and passionate about the same person for that amount of time. We aren't trained or advised about how to remain monogamous and happy with a single sexual partner for half a century, probably because we've never before had to be.

Monogamy is a conscious choice made by human beings, and perhaps the best choice for our species. A long-term, connected, monogamous relationship makes for better parenting and encourages emotional creativity among humans: to get along with someone for many years, you have to learn certain relational skills, including self-control, psychological acuity, patience, conscious empathy, and simple kindness. If monogamy is not natural to humans but a choice that we make and negotiate every day, then it becomes an opportunity to protect our most intimate bonds while continuing to grow as individuals.

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<< Begin < Prev 1 2 Next > End >> << Begin < Prev 1 2 Next > End >> doulos123  - Disappoinment   |Registered |2010-10-16 17:00:36 Monogamy by its name refers to a exclusive system where one woman and one man enter into a covenental agreement declaring themselves wholly unto the other and if a marriage is open then it is no longer qualifies as monogamous. In South Carolina and most every state in the US, this kind of relationship is called adultery meaning voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse. What Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist would help couples navigate into this lifestyle choice and help ease the conscious of the harm that occurs emotionally to those affected by such lifestyle choices? Psychotherapy Networker, How did you permit your editors to publish this in such a well-respected magazine? aja.lippincott   |Registered |2010-08-11 13:23:17 My only comment is that I'm displeased with the author's term "new monogamy." Is this a tern coined by the author? There is already a term for these sort of non tradition marriages and relationships. The term is polyamory and people have been using this term with pride for quite awhile now and many embrace the distinction from monogamy. To refer to this as "new monogamy" categorizes these types of relationships with the mainstream alternative, which they are not. motherconfessor   |Registered |2010-08-06 13:10:04 I must say, I am confused by the term "New Monogamy" as described here. It seems to be taking huge liberties with the word "monogamy," and is in fact confusing it with the word "marriage." What you are describing is exactly not monogamy, by definition, but is in fact known by several different already-established names, depending on the way the people involved do things - such terms as polyamory (roughly defined as loving many) and swinging (having multiple casual sex partners.) I have personally come across many polyamorous couples, some legally married, and some not. I know several who have lasted more than a decade. The health and survival of the relationship depends entirely on basic qualities of honesty, respect, and communication. Plenty of poly relationships fail, but when they succeed, I have found them to have particularly strong bases in these regards. I am a little troubled by your... hnoelle  - Mr. Hellmut Noelle   |Registered |2010-08-06 06:10:10 After reading "The New Monogamy" and the 2 about other articles about infidelity, I observed the message that disclosure is mostly optional. However, the articles did not even refer to some of the ways in which disclosure happens. 1. The doctor informs a person that they now have a Sexually Transmitted Infection, from their partner, who received it as a common side effect of an affair. This “gift” that can be both life long and lethal. 2. Finances are being withdrawn from the bank account for child support after an accidental pregnancy. The articles avoided other common consequences such as: 1. The possibility of losing one’s employment following an affair with a co-worker. 2. Financial, social, sexual or emotional extortion from a lover or partner to prevent or limit disclosure. 3. How an affair can also lead to increased incidences of a damaged self-image, guilt, depression, suicidality, violence and... bhibbs  - Psychologist and Author   |Registered |2010-07-26 05:13:10 I was interested in the "new" take on old subject of "The New Monogamy," by Tammy Nelson, July/August, 2010. My early years as family therapist (late 70's) were informed by "Open Marriage," a phrase coined by George and Nena O'Neill's books on the subject. Five years later, Nena, an anthrolopologist by training, followed 100 couples who had ascribed to the "new" monogamy-- few remained married. The longest sexually open marriage was two years (and begat her second book), "The Marriage Premise." While a therapist wears many hats, I think that educating couples about the odds for divorce is an important obligation. Unlike European culture, American culture simultaneously values both individual happiness and marriage, resulting in the contradictory entitlements seen in the open marriage. I appreciate Ms. Nelson's inclusion of the older couple, who more European style, settled on "...

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