There are marriages in which couples agree to live parallel, emotionally unconnected lives, while each partner pursues love and sex outside. It may be particularly hard for our culture to sympathize with these unions since they so profoundly break the basic "love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage" rule. In fact, not only are there times when you can have one (marriage) without the other (love), this arrangement may seem to the participants as the only one that really makes sense, given their circumstances. It may even seem like the only right thing to do.

For example, Jack and Karla married during their last year at an Ivy League college. At that time, their agreement was that Jack would pursue a career in law and Karla would go to graduate school, become a teacher, but give up her teaching career to be a stay-at-home mother when they had children. This she'd done. Now in their forties, with their children in their teens, Karla had blossomed, in more ways than one. She'd taken up graduate studies and was working on a doctorate in education, a field she loved. In addition, as she finally told Jack one night, she was having an affair with a professor from her graduate school—in fact, she'd been having an affair with him for 10 years.

In this explosive conversation with her husband, a high-powered litigator with a leading law firm, she said—yelled, actually—that he hadn't really seen her for more than a decade, except as the ever-dependable keeper of his house and mother of his children. She felt more like a golden retriever with him than a real person—although the golden would have gotten more attention. Meanwhile, her professor told her she was a unique, smart, beautiful woman, and it was largely due to his influence that she'd decided to continue her education.

Outside of her marriage, Karla had been living an entirely separate and distinct life with the professor—sleeping at his apartment on weekends when she told Jack she was at conferences, and getting virtually all of her emotional support, guidance, and companionship from him. She felt that he was her true partner and the man she loved. Jack was almost completely wound up with the single-minded pursuit-to-the-top of the legal food chain. He knew nothing of her, as she knew nothing of him or his life without her.

Although Karla felt her life would be meaningless without her lover (who'd asked her to leave Jack), she decided not to divorce, knowing it would publicly embarrass Jack and destroy his chances for promotion. The firm was old and traditional, the partners were all married and frowned on divorce, their wives were largely "company wives," and "family values" was virtually the firm's founding motto. She also worried that the financial upheaval would derail her future plans and compromise her kids' financial security. She'd only revealed her affair to Jack because she'd felt that it would be in both of their best interests if he took a lover as well—this might bring some type of equity to their marriage and ease her guilt.

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<< Begin < Prev 1 2 Next > End >> << Begin < Prev 1 2 Next > End >> doulos123  - Disappoinment   |Registered |2010-10-16 17:00:36 Monogamy by its name refers to a exclusive system where one woman and one man enter into a covenental agreement declaring themselves wholly unto the other and if a marriage is open then it is no longer qualifies as monogamous. In South Carolina and most every state in the US, this kind of relationship is called adultery meaning voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse. What Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist would help couples navigate into this lifestyle choice and help ease the conscious of the harm that occurs emotionally to those affected by such lifestyle choices? Psychotherapy Networker, How did you permit your editors to publish this in such a well-respected magazine? aja.lippincott   |Registered |2010-08-11 13:23:17 My only comment is that I'm displeased with the author's term "new monogamy." Is this a tern coined by the author? There is already a term for these sort of non tradition marriages and relationships. The term is polyamory and people have been using this term with pride for quite awhile now and many embrace the distinction from monogamy. To refer to this as "new monogamy" categorizes these types of relationships with the mainstream alternative, which they are not. motherconfessor   |Registered |2010-08-06 13:10:04 I must say, I am confused by the term "New Monogamy" as described here. It seems to be taking huge liberties with the word "monogamy," and is in fact confusing it with the word "marriage." What you are describing is exactly not monogamy, by definition, but is in fact known by several different already-established names, depending on the way the people involved do things - such terms as polyamory (roughly defined as loving many) and swinging (having multiple casual sex partners.) I have personally come across many polyamorous couples, some legally married, and some not. I know several who have lasted more than a decade. The health and survival of the relationship depends entirely on basic qualities of honesty, respect, and communication. Plenty of poly relationships fail, but when they succeed, I have found them to have particularly strong bases in these regards. I am a little troubled by your... hnoelle  - Mr. Hellmut Noelle   |Registered |2010-08-06 06:10:10 After reading "The New Monogamy" and the 2 about other articles about infidelity, I observed the message that disclosure is mostly optional. However, the articles did not even refer to some of the ways in which disclosure happens. 1. The doctor informs a person that they now have a Sexually Transmitted Infection, from their partner, who received it as a common side effect of an affair. This “gift” that can be both life long and lethal. 2. Finances are being withdrawn from the bank account for child support after an accidental pregnancy. The articles avoided other common consequences such as: 1. The possibility of losing one’s employment following an affair with a co-worker. 2. Financial, social, sexual or emotional extortion from a lover or partner to prevent or limit disclosure. 3. How an affair can also lead to increased incidences of a damaged self-image, guilt, depression, suicidality, violence and... bhibbs  - Psychologist and Author   |Registered |2010-07-26 05:13:10 I was interested in the "new" take on old subject of "The New Monogamy," by Tammy Nelson, July/August, 2010. My early years as family therapist (late 70's) were informed by "Open Marriage," a phrase coined by George and Nena O'Neill's books on the subject. Five years later, Nena, an anthrolopologist by training, followed 100 couples who had ascribed to the "new" monogamy-- few remained married. The longest sexually open marriage was two years (and begat her second book), "The Marriage Premise." While a therapist wears many hats, I think that educating couples about the odds for divorce is an important obligation. Unlike European culture, American culture simultaneously values both individual happiness and marriage, resulting in the contradictory entitlements seen in the open marriage. I appreciate Ms. Nelson's inclusion of the older couple, who more European style, settled on "...

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