One couple I see, Ned and Beatrice, who'd always kept what they thought was a clear agreement around monogamy—no outside sexual partners—discovered that they were both having sexual liaisons when they traveled for work. First Ned, the husband, got "caught" and confessed to several experiences that he described as "nonemotional, just purely recreational, sex." Beatrice felt hurt and betrayed, and wondered whether she should leave Ned. I asked her not to make any decisions for at least six months because her feelings were intense right then, and it would be hard to make a clear decision.

For several weeks, we worked on the betrayal of their original monogamy agreement. Then Beatrice confessed that she, too, had had several dalliances on the road, and found that really they hadn't affected her feelings for her husband. They were both surprised and wondered if this was a sign that they were growing apart. I asked them whether the secrets and the lying would eventually force them to feel as though they were living parallel lives. They felt it would, and that their answer (not mine) was to agree that each could continue their outside sexual experiences, but with clearer rules.

They agreed they could each have sex with other people outside the marriage, but only while traveling separately. In addition, they could never have sex with a colleague who worked for the same firm or have sex more than once with the same person. The other important rule was that they had to tell their partner afterward that it had happened, but with no details unless they felt compelled to share some emotional experience they were having about the incident. If that happened, they agreed they'd need to do some crisis intervention to figure out what was happening in their marriage.

Both Ned and Beatrice said that they could never have had this type of open marriage earlier in their lives. "At younger ages, we would have been too threatened," she said. "But now I know neither of us is going to end the marriage. We love each other, but we married young and we never had sex with anyone else, ever. I figure I'm in my fifties, and how many years do I have left to have sex?" she added. "I wanted to experience what it was like, and I feel like I have my husband's permission, and that's made me feel so close to him. I feel like I'm a fully alive sexual being. I'm more attractive to my husband because I know that I'm attractive to other men. I can't explain it," she concluded, "but I feel like I love Ned more than ever."

Only registered users can write comments!

Read comments

<< Begin < Prev 1 2 Next > End >> << Begin < Prev 1 2 Next > End >> doulos123  - Disappoinment   |Registered |2010-10-16 17:00:36 Monogamy by its name refers to a exclusive system where one woman and one man enter into a covenental agreement declaring themselves wholly unto the other and if a marriage is open then it is no longer qualifies as monogamous. In South Carolina and most every state in the US, this kind of relationship is called adultery meaning voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse. What Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist would help couples navigate into this lifestyle choice and help ease the conscious of the harm that occurs emotionally to those affected by such lifestyle choices? Psychotherapy Networker, How did you permit your editors to publish this in such a well-respected magazine? aja.lippincott   |Registered |2010-08-11 13:23:17 My only comment is that I'm displeased with the author's term "new monogamy." Is this a tern coined by the author? There is already a term for these sort of non tradition marriages and relationships. The term is polyamory and people have been using this term with pride for quite awhile now and many embrace the distinction from monogamy. To refer to this as "new monogamy" categorizes these types of relationships with the mainstream alternative, which they are not. motherconfessor   |Registered |2010-08-06 13:10:04 I must say, I am confused by the term "New Monogamy" as described here. It seems to be taking huge liberties with the word "monogamy," and is in fact confusing it with the word "marriage." What you are describing is exactly not monogamy, by definition, but is in fact known by several different already-established names, depending on the way the people involved do things - such terms as polyamory (roughly defined as loving many) and swinging (having multiple casual sex partners.) I have personally come across many polyamorous couples, some legally married, and some not. I know several who have lasted more than a decade. The health and survival of the relationship depends entirely on basic qualities of honesty, respect, and communication. Plenty of poly relationships fail, but when they succeed, I have found them to have particularly strong bases in these regards. I am a little troubled by your... hnoelle  - Mr. Hellmut Noelle   |Registered |2010-08-06 06:10:10 After reading "The New Monogamy" and the 2 about other articles about infidelity, I observed the message that disclosure is mostly optional. However, the articles did not even refer to some of the ways in which disclosure happens. 1. The doctor informs a person that they now have a Sexually Transmitted Infection, from their partner, who received it as a common side effect of an affair. This “gift” that can be both life long and lethal. 2. Finances are being withdrawn from the bank account for child support after an accidental pregnancy. The articles avoided other common consequences such as: 1. The possibility of losing one’s employment following an affair with a co-worker. 2. Financial, social, sexual or emotional extortion from a lover or partner to prevent or limit disclosure. 3. How an affair can also lead to increased incidences of a damaged self-image, guilt, depression, suicidality, violence and... bhibbs  - Psychologist and Author   |Registered |2010-07-26 05:13:10 I was interested in the "new" take on old subject of "The New Monogamy," by Tammy Nelson, July/August, 2010. My early years as family therapist (late 70's) were informed by "Open Marriage," a phrase coined by George and Nena O'Neill's books on the subject. Five years later, Nena, an anthrolopologist by training, followed 100 couples who had ascribed to the "new" monogamy-- few remained married. The longest sexually open marriage was two years (and begat her second book), "The Marriage Premise." While a therapist wears many hats, I think that educating couples about the odds for divorce is an important obligation. Unlike European culture, American culture simultaneously values both individual happiness and marriage, resulting in the contradictory entitlements seen in the open marriage. I appreciate Ms. Nelson's inclusion of the older couple, who more European style, settled on "...

3.26 Copyright (C) 2008 Compojoom.com / Copyright (C) 2007 Alain Georgette / Copyright (C) 2006 Frantisek Hliva. All rights reserved."