The key to these arrangements, and what makes them meaningful within the framework of emotional commitment, is that there can be no secrecy between partners about the arrangements. The fidelity resides in the fact that these couples work out openly and together what will be and will not be allowed in their relationships with Party C, and maybe Parties D, E, and F. To couples engaged in the new monogamy, it isn't the outside sexual relationships themselves, but the attendant secrets, lies, denial, silences, and hidden rendezvous that make them so destructive to the marriage. Rightly or wrongly, today, many couples consider that honesty and openness cleanse affairs, rendering them essentially harmless.

But how does this actually work in practice? Does "being honest" solve all the problems arising when an outside person is brought inside the marriage? Are these couples just kidding themselves, while trying to have their cake and eat it, too?

The Monogamy Contract

Partners who define themselves as a couple (as opposed to two people who happen to hook up now and then, or who engage in what are understood to be short-term affairs, or "friends with benefits," as they're sometimes called) inevitably come to some kind of contract about monogamy—explicit, implicit, or both—whether they fully realize it or not.

The explicit monogamy agreement is what's said or committed to out loud by both and defines the partnership's overt rules, which usually forbid outside sexual and/or romantic involvements until death—of one party or the marriage itself. An explicit monogamy agreement can be a marriage vow that generally assumes and sometimes articulates both a personal and legal vow: we pledge our troth to one other person, not to one other person and whomever else we might individually fancy over the years.

We generally take this explicit contract very seriously, regardless of whether we break it at some point—we believe in it, even if we don't necessarily maintain it. In several polls researching adultery in different cultures around the world, reported by Pamela Druckerman in Lust in Translation: Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee, more than 80 percent of respondents indicated they thought infidelity was wrong. Of those who admitted to having been caught cheating, a majority said they didn't think of themselves as the "cheating kind." Apparently, even when we're committing infidelity, we don't like to think of ourselves as the kind of people who'd commit infidelity. In that wonderful capacity for double-think so characteristic of our species, we can be unfaithful while believing quite sincerely that unfaithful is what other people are. When we make an explicit vow to be monogamous, we fully intend to keep it, even though many of us don't.

However, the implicit monogamy agreement or understanding between the couple is different from the spoken, explicit monogamy agreement and may never be discussed at all. Often based on cultural mores, religious beliefs (or lack thereof), traditional sex roles, family background, and personal moral values, the implicit agreement may never be openly visited before the commitment ceremony, or even after. Indeed, each partner may hold a different, even opposing, understanding of what the agreement is, and different expectations about the commitment each has made. For example, implicit monogamy agreements include, "We promise to be faithful until one of us grows tired of the other," or "I know you won't cheat, but I probably will," or (traditionally a woman's vow) "I'll be faithful, but you won't because you're a guy," or "We'll be faithful except for a little swinging when we go on vacation."

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<< Begin < Prev 1 2 Next > End >> << Begin < Prev 1 2 Next > End >> doulos123  - Disappoinment   |Registered |2010-10-16 17:00:36 Monogamy by its name refers to a exclusive system where one woman and one man enter into a covenental agreement declaring themselves wholly unto the other and if a marriage is open then it is no longer qualifies as monogamous. In South Carolina and most every state in the US, this kind of relationship is called adultery meaning voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse. What Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist would help couples navigate into this lifestyle choice and help ease the conscious of the harm that occurs emotionally to those affected by such lifestyle choices? Psychotherapy Networker, How did you permit your editors to publish this in such a well-respected magazine? aja.lippincott   |Registered |2010-08-11 13:23:17 My only comment is that I'm displeased with the author's term "new monogamy." Is this a tern coined by the author? There is already a term for these sort of non tradition marriages and relationships. The term is polyamory and people have been using this term with pride for quite awhile now and many embrace the distinction from monogamy. To refer to this as "new monogamy" categorizes these types of relationships with the mainstream alternative, which they are not. motherconfessor   |Registered |2010-08-06 13:10:04 I must say, I am confused by the term "New Monogamy" as described here. It seems to be taking huge liberties with the word "monogamy," and is in fact confusing it with the word "marriage." What you are describing is exactly not monogamy, by definition, but is in fact known by several different already-established names, depending on the way the people involved do things - such terms as polyamory (roughly defined as loving many) and swinging (having multiple casual sex partners.) I have personally come across many polyamorous couples, some legally married, and some not. I know several who have lasted more than a decade. The health and survival of the relationship depends entirely on basic qualities of honesty, respect, and communication. Plenty of poly relationships fail, but when they succeed, I have found them to have particularly strong bases in these regards. I am a little troubled by your... hnoelle  - Mr. Hellmut Noelle   |Registered |2010-08-06 06:10:10 After reading "The New Monogamy" and the 2 about other articles about infidelity, I observed the message that disclosure is mostly optional. However, the articles did not even refer to some of the ways in which disclosure happens. 1. The doctor informs a person that they now have a Sexually Transmitted Infection, from their partner, who received it as a common side effect of an affair. This “gift” that can be both life long and lethal. 2. Finances are being withdrawn from the bank account for child support after an accidental pregnancy. The articles avoided other common consequences such as: 1. The possibility of losing one’s employment following an affair with a co-worker. 2. Financial, social, sexual or emotional extortion from a lover or partner to prevent or limit disclosure. 3. How an affair can also lead to increased incidences of a damaged self-image, guilt, depression, suicidality, violence and... bhibbs  - Psychologist and Author   |Registered |2010-07-26 05:13:10 I was interested in the "new" take on old subject of "The New Monogamy," by Tammy Nelson, July/August, 2010. My early years as family therapist (late 70's) were informed by "Open Marriage," a phrase coined by George and Nena O'Neill's books on the subject. Five years later, Nena, an anthrolopologist by training, followed 100 couples who had ascribed to the "new" monogamy-- few remained married. The longest sexually open marriage was two years (and begat her second book), "The Marriage Premise." While a therapist wears many hats, I think that educating couples about the odds for divorce is an important obligation. Unlike European culture, American culture simultaneously values both individual happiness and marriage, resulting in the contradictory entitlements seen in the open marriage. I appreciate Ms. Nelson's inclusion of the older couple, who more European style, settled on "...

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