The New Monogamy

by Tammy Nelson

How Far Should We Go?

If there's anything fundamental to the meaning of marriage in Western society, it's monogamy. In fact, monogamy may be the only thing that remains essential to most people's idea of marriage. People no longer marry for economic, dynastic, or procreative reasons, as they did for millennia; they can't be compelled to marry by law, religion, or custom; they don't need to marry to have sex or cohabit or even produce and raise children. But throughout all of this staggering change, the requirement and expectation of monogamy as the emotional glue that keeps the whole structure of marriage from collapsing under its own weight has remained constant.

Given the almost universal public denunciation and disapproval of infidelity (which doesn't exclude the barely hidden schadenfreude at the deliciously scandalous goings-on of celebrities, famous preachers, major political figures, sports heroes, or even your office coworker caught in flagrante), you'd think that infidelity must be quite rare. At least nice people don't do it—we wouldn't do it.

Except that we would and we do—much more than most people seem to realize. As a culture committed, in theory, to monogamy, our actions tell a different story. It isn't just that, as therapists, we need to understand that infidelity happens—we all know that already. What some of us may not realize is how often it happens. Research varies, but according to some surveys, such as those reported by Joan Atwood and Limor Schwartz in the 2002 Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 55 percent of married women and 65 percent of married men report being unfaithful at some point in their marriage. Up to one-half of married women have at least one lover after they're married and before the age of 40.

If these surveys are correct, the high incidence of infidelity isn't because we live in a particularly licentious, amoral age—the public jeremiads of religious scolds notwithstanding. According to noted anthropologist and researcher Helen Fisher, extramarital affairs have always happened at this high rate, but only now are we getting a more accurate, statistically informed, picture of what's going on. Fisher also reports that what you might call this "state of affairs" holds true across at least five other cultures worldwide that she's studied.

Within our profession, virtually all couples therapists, whatever their model—psychodynamic, systems, behavioral, insight-oriented, solution-focused—have believed since the field's earliest days that no troubled marriage can recover as long as there's a "third party" hovering in the wings. Ongoing infidelity, however defined—sexual, emotional, physical, "cyber"—is, for most therapists, an automatic deal-breaker to meaningful therapy, not to mention clinical improvement in the marriage.

One major impediment to the view that an affair indicates that something is profoundly wrong in the marriage, however, is that 35 to 55 percent of people having affairs report they were happy in their marriage at the time of their infidelity. They also report good sex and rewarding family lives. So how can we continue viewing affairs as symptoms of dysfunctional marriages when apparently so many of them seem to happen to otherwise "normal," even happy couples? The one-size-fits-all view of infidelity never questions the standard model of monogamy, much less helps a couple explore a new model of monogamy that might work better for them and their own particular marriage. Furthermore, a therapist who takes sides, implicitly vilifying one partner as "bad," endorsing the other as "good," is much likelier to lose the couple early on, since infidelity is rarely a black-and-white issue.

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<< Begin < Prev 1 2 Next > End >> << Begin < Prev 1 2 Next > End >> doulos123  - Disappoinment   |Registered |2010-10-16 17:00:36 Monogamy by its name refers to a exclusive system where one woman and one man enter into a covenental agreement declaring themselves wholly unto the other and if a marriage is open then it is no longer qualifies as monogamous. In South Carolina and most every state in the US, this kind of relationship is called adultery meaning voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse. What Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist would help couples navigate into this lifestyle choice and help ease the conscious of the harm that occurs emotionally to those affected by such lifestyle choices? Psychotherapy Networker, How did you permit your editors to publish this in such a well-respected magazine? aja.lippincott   |Registered |2010-08-11 13:23:17 My only comment is that I'm displeased with the author's term "new monogamy." Is this a tern coined by the author? There is already a term for these sort of non tradition marriages and relationships. The term is polyamory and people have been using this term with pride for quite awhile now and many embrace the distinction from monogamy. To refer to this as "new monogamy" categorizes these types of relationships with the mainstream alternative, which they are not. motherconfessor   |Registered |2010-08-06 13:10:04 I must say, I am confused by the term "New Monogamy" as described here. It seems to be taking huge liberties with the word "monogamy," and is in fact confusing it with the word "marriage." What you are describing is exactly not monogamy, by definition, but is in fact known by several different already-established names, depending on the way the people involved do things - such terms as polyamory (roughly defined as loving many) and swinging (having multiple casual sex partners.) I have personally come across many polyamorous couples, some legally married, and some not. I know several who have lasted more than a decade. The health and survival of the relationship depends entirely on basic qualities of honesty, respect, and communication. Plenty of poly relationships fail, but when they succeed, I have found them to have particularly strong bases in these regards. I am a little troubled by your... hnoelle  - Mr. Hellmut Noelle   |Registered |2010-08-06 06:10:10 After reading "The New Monogamy" and the 2 about other articles about infidelity, I observed the message that disclosure is mostly optional. However, the articles did not even refer to some of the ways in which disclosure happens. 1. The doctor informs a person that they now have a Sexually Transmitted Infection, from their partner, who received it as a common side effect of an affair. This “gift” that can be both life long and lethal. 2. Finances are being withdrawn from the bank account for child support after an accidental pregnancy. The articles avoided other common consequences such as: 1. The possibility of losing one’s employment following an affair with a co-worker. 2. Financial, social, sexual or emotional extortion from a lover or partner to prevent or limit disclosure. 3. How an affair can also lead to increased incidences of a damaged self-image, guilt, depression, suicidality, violence and... bhibbs  - Psychologist and Author   |Registered |2010-07-26 05:13:10 I was interested in the "new" take on old subject of "The New Monogamy," by Tammy Nelson, July/August, 2010. My early years as family therapist (late 70's) were informed by "Open Marriage," a phrase coined by George and Nena O'Neill's books on the subject. Five years later, Nena, an anthrolopologist by training, followed 100 couples who had ascribed to the "new" monogamy-- few remained married. The longest sexually open marriage was two years (and begat her second book), "The Marriage Premise." While a therapist wears many hats, I think that educating couples about the odds for divorce is an important obligation. Unlike European culture, American culture simultaneously values both individual happiness and marriage, resulting in the contradictory entitlements seen in the open marriage. I appreciate Ms. Nelson's inclusion of the older couple, who more European style, settled on "...

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