Wegela projected profound empathy for Luc and a deep understanding that his difficulty was that he didn't know how to be in relationship with himself, nor did he know how to be in relationship with himself and someone else simultaneously. As a professional codependent, I'm painfully aware of that dynamic—I'm skilled at losing myself through caring for others. I've known how to fully connect to myself when I was alone, but the challenge of being fully connected to myself and another at the same time has been difficult.

With Luc, Wegela utilizes directed mindfulness training to help him become self-aware, able to tolerate his affective intensity, and, most important, simultaneously connect to her, even when she was expressing strong feelings. The challenge for most men is to be open to the emotional intensity of their intimate partners, rather than to clam up and try to fix or manage the feelings that come up for either one of them.

Wegela skillfully uses the therapeutic relationship to help Luc learn how to bring affectionate curiosity to his and her experience. This is the heart of therapeutic mindfulness. It's the heart of good relational therapy. It's a pathway to intimacy.

Ah, Karen, by the way, do you do phone consults?

Karen Kissel Wegela, Ph.D., has been a professor at Naropa University since 1981, where she teaches Contemplative Psychotherapy. She's the author of The Courage to Be Present and How to Be a Help Instead of a Nuisance: Practical Approaches to Giving Support, Service, & Encouragement to Others. Contact kkwegela@indra.com.

David Treadway, Ph.D., is director of the Treadway Training Institute. He's the author of Home Before Dark: First Year with Cancer and Intimacy, Change, and Other Therapeutic Mysteries: Stories of Clinicians and Clients. Earlier books include Dead Reckoning: A Therapist Confronts His Own Grief. Contact dctcrow@aol.com.

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mudmanor  - Thanks Mr. Treadway   |Registered |2010-07-19 04:16:33 Thanks for breaking the mold in this often despicable section of the Networker where clinicians love showing off their pseudo skills in abstentia by trashing perfectly respectable work of the presenter. I have respected your articles and was relieved to see you declined to either nitpick or bloviate regarding this well handled case.

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