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| Depathologizing Porn - Page 4 |
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In the next session, Lori recounted that she'd watched the porn alone at first, but had felt uncomfortable, so she'd stopped watching it until Wayne had joined her. They looked at one movie together, fast-forwarding it so that she could get a good idea of what he fantasized about. Wayne was nervous about being shamed and judged, but reported ultimately feeling liberated by being able to let Lori in on his secret fantasy world. Surprisingly to Lori, she found that she wasn't as bothered by the porn as she thought she'd be. I encouraged them to continue being sexual with each other in the way they'd always been, but to stay alert to any signs of sexual distance between them. After some weeks, Lori reported that she felt comfortable with their lovemaking and that she didn't feel that Wayne was in any way distant or sexually unavailable to her. After some experimenting with trying to incorporate Wayne's porn use in their sex life by watching more movies together, Lori began to feel more uncomfortable and worried that Wayne would want to turn the fantasy into a reality. He tried to assure her that this wouldn't be the case, and said he was disturbed that Lori didn't trust him on this subject. I reminded him that he'd kept his porn use secret for years, and that the way she'd learned about it was a betrayal of trust. Given that, I said, her feelings made sense. Slowly the dialogue between them around the porn use softened for both of them. Over a three-month period, they came to appreciate each other's viewpoints. Lori stated that she didn't want to engage in the type of sexual fantasies that turned Wayne on, but that she could now understand where they came from. My work with Lori and Wayne involved helping both spouses understand the "impersonal" element in sexuality represented by fantasy life and porn use in a way that rendered it safe and unthreatening—not as a reflection on their marriage, their sex life, or their partner. They realized that while his fantasy world had an impact on their marriage, it needn't overwhelm the rest of their relationship and invalidate their feelings for each other. Discussing the use of porn and each other's sexual fantasies allowed them to develop a new kind of ease and empathy for each other, based on a shared and explicit understanding of the private sexual fantasies that wouldn't have been revealed except for the revelation of Wayne's porn use. Wayne's frankness about his sexual secrets and desires ultimately opened Lori up to admitting that she had fantasies about having another guy join her in bed with Wayne. Interestingly, Wayne's response was, "Yeah, that's cool, but it's never going to happen!" He was somewhat surprised to find himself in the same boat as Lori—while he could hear about her fantasy, it was clear that he never wanted to do it. They both laughed when Lori said she probably wouldn't want to do it either, but that she'd thought about it from time to time. Together, Wayne and Lori made rules around his porn use: he'd no longer be secretive about it or try to cover up what he'd been looking at. Lori wasn't interested in having sex more often than once a week, and Wayne remained okay with that, as long as he had a way of experiencing sexual release that was no longer a shameful secret. The argument that porn takes away from a relationship and encourages selfishness and emotional distance doesn't do justice to the trust and understanding that Lori and Wayne developed with each other. They negotiated a way of acknowledging their different needs without having to pathologize each other or coerce each other into pretending they were different than they were. Every couple faces similar challenges, as they try to honor their bond with each other while navigating the unpredictable waves and currents of their individual sexuality. Joe Kort, L.M.S.W., is an adjunct professor at Wayne State University's School of Social Work and the author of Gay Affirmative Therapy for the Straight Clinician: The Essential Guide. He's currently working on his doctorate in clinical sexology. Contact: joekort@joekort.com; website: www.joekort.com. Tell us what you think about this article by e-mail at letters@psychnetworker.org, or at www.psychotherapynetworker.org. Log in and you'll find the comment section on every page of the online Magazine section. Need CEs? Earn them quickly and easily on topics related to this article! At the Networker website www.psychotherapynetworker.org, you can: Earn2 CEs by reading this issue and taking the online Magazine Quiz Earn4 CEs with this New Telecourse by the Author: T-901 Depathologizing Porn Instructors: Joe Kort and Tammy Nelson You can also find these articles by the author at www.psychotherapynetworker.org: - Case Studies, "Gay Guise" - Case Studies, "The New Mixed Marriage" - "Queer Eye for the Straight Therapist" Only registered users can write comments!
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