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| Depathologizing Porn - Page 2 |
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Wayne and Lori Wayne came to see me after his wife, Lori, found links on his computer to websites showing female dominatrixes ordering men around, spanking, binding, and gagging them, and forcing them into sexual acts. Also, Wayne had collected pictures of foot fetishism—women forcing their feet into a man's face and mouth or making men give them foot massages and paint their toenails. Appalled and furious, Lori accused him of being a sex addict and a deviant, and demanded he go immediately to counseling. In sorting through cases involving the discovery of a partner's porn use, therapists should take certain considerations into account. First, it's important to establish whether there's any coercion to involve an unwilling partner in watching porn and/or participating in sexual practices inspired by the porn use. If there is coercion, that must be confronted directly. Another point to remember is that, however lurid the porn viewed may be, there's a big difference between erotic fantasy and lived reality. In fact, often there's an inverse relationship between the intensity of the porn being viewed and the mundane details of the porn user's life. Certainly issues of possible addiction should always be explored, as should whether the use of porn is damaging the sexual and emotional connection between partners. Clients should be made aware of the consequences of trying to hide the use of porn and the pernicious effects of trying to lead a "secret" life within a marriage or committed relationship, and it's helpful to explore with them the possibilities of discussing their porn use with their partners and their reasons for not revealing it. In addition, there must always be an exploration of whether responsible precautions and boundaries are being maintained, so that children or others in a household aren't exposed to materials that may be psychologically harmful to them. Once these issues have been carefully assessed, it's my belief that the job of therapists isn't to impose their own values about porn on clients, but to help couples determine what its use by one partner means for both partners. Wayne assured me he'd never actually acted out his fantasies with women—or men, for that matter. In fact, he'd never wanted to act them out. He reported enjoying going to sites where he could see video streams in which dominant women punish subservient men and where he could participate in Internet groups where these fantasies are shared for erotic reasons. For him, that "did the job" of providing sexual pleasure and release. "I'd never want to make this happen in real life," he told me. "It's just a fantasy, that's all. I don't know where it comes from, but I enjoy it." Wayne didn't prefer these fantasies to having sex with his wife. He reported his relationship with her was more than satisfactory, sexually and otherwise. But when Lori discovered his online pornography use, they both had to confront the challenge this revelation posed to their relationship. Wayne was CEO of a large company—a stressful position, which involved the management of numerous employees. A devoted husband and a highly responsible man, he enjoyed being needed and admired. One of four siblings, he'd been brought up in a family that had been erratically managed by a self-absorbed, negligent mother who didn't keep careful track of her children. Early in life, he'd begun to eroticize women who behaved in the opposite way. In his fantasies, women took charge while he could enjoy being submissive and taking orders. Early on, he developed an arousal template in which he could experience women telling him what to do. Wayne wasn't bothered by his fantasies—for him, porn use and his attraction to aggressive women was just part of his identity. When I asked if he fantasized about his domination and humiliation fantasies while having sex with his wife, he said, though he occasionally did, he mostly was able to be present with her. Lori and Wayne had an active sex life, though she seemed to be the lower-libido partner. In the beginning of their relationship, Wayne had told Lori he liked to be spanked and wanted to be submissive; however, in practice, this proved not to arouse him or her, so their sex became more conventional, though they did incorporate a variety of sexual positions. He said he enjoyed sex with Lori, and that they each found the other attractive. In our first few sessions, I asked Wayne about his fantasies, about his early-childhood arousal template, and where he thought the fascination with domination originated. I wondered with him whether his porn use was helping him reconcile a lack of appropriate attachment with his mother as a child and playing out difficult themes with possible erotic undertones from childhood. After getting a full history, developing an initial picture of his marital relationship, and assessing his use of porn with a sexual-addiction inventory, I concluded that he didn't fit the profile of a sex addict. His use of porn wasn't compulsive, he didn't prefer it over being sexual with Lori, and it didn't decrease his sexual drive or desire for her. Wayne had previously sought therapy over a job loss that was due to company politics. At that time, his therapist helped him explore his relationship with his mother, and Wayne did extensive grief work around his unmet attachment needs and the neglect by his mother. I asked whether his sexual fantasies of wanting to be dominated by women changed during or after this therapy and he said no. In my practice and research, I've found that no amount of early childhood work can actually change a person's arousal template, although it's possible to reduce any compulsivity or acting out of the fantasy. However, as mentioned, Wayne exhibited neither compulsivity nor the need to act out his fantasy. Porn use can exist comfortably within a relationship that both partners feel is otherwise adequate and fulfilling. But when the worlds of porn and relationship suddenly collide, as it had with Wayne and Lori, the experience is profoundly disorienting. The therapist's task then is to help the couple discover how to absorb this new information, define limits with each other, see whether a sense of trust can be restored, and, if possible, find a way they can grow together as the result of the experience.
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